那个在你之后会被虐待的人
维奥莱特已经准备好离开虐待她的丈夫了。她纠结于各种假设，但我感觉她已经迈出了第一步。她在评论中问道，
“我想着他会遇见别人;如果他对她很好呢?这样她就比我强了吗?我知道有人解决了这个问题，但这是我真正的恐惧。是我让他这么做的吗?”
是我让他这么做的吗?
离开我丈夫威尔15天后，我有了一个深刻的认识。我写道我的博客我是这样说的:
你知道，从前，当威尔说我惹他生气时，我相信他的话。我让他大喊大叫。我让他陷入了一种浪费钱的模式。我让他想打我。我逼他砍了我。我让他用武力制服我。我一定以为我以为我非常强大，能够让那个男人如此惊慌失措，以至于他会为自己的行为辩护，把责任推给我。
无所不能和强大也有另一面。我可以让他变得刻薄、可恨、甚至复仇……但我做不到让他爱我我不能让他尊重我或对我好。当你的“能力”只对你不利时，“无所不能”又有什么意义呢?
事实是，我试着让他爱我，但没成功，我以为他会把我当他孩子的妈妈来爱。当这不起作用时，我变成了他想让我成为的家庭主妇。一路走来，我试着做他的母亲，他的曾奶奶，他的阿姨;我甚至试着“更像”他给我指出的其他人。我试着让他爱我，但我做不到。
那我为什么要相信我能让他生气呢?
我觉得相信我能让他感觉到某物比承认他永远不会有感觉好吗爱给我。我以为我内心有什么破碎的东西，我可以修复的东西。我强迫自己陷入抑郁，想着在那里，在深渊的底部，我会找到让我如此不讨人喜欢的东西。一旦我发现了它，我想我可以把它拔出来处理掉，然后浮上水面，发现他是能够爱我的。
我不我想知道为什么我花了这么长时间去寻找(我内心)破碎的东西……我知道我想要幸福的婚姻，爱我的丈夫，亲密的家庭。我想要的是我嫁给威尔时想要的——成为他生活的一部分，与他分享我自己和我的天赋，相信我们彼此互补，我们在一起，势不可挡。我非常想要它，所以我坚持了将近18年，试图创造它。
在这一切之下，我们想知道自己是可爱的．虐待使我们相信自己不可爱，甚至不讨人喜欢。虐待使我们相信我们是次等人，世界上所有人都能看出来。凌辱使我们蒙羞，使神赐给我们让世人看见的光明蒙羞，暗淡。
虐待我们的人一开始就像飞蛾扑火一样绕着我们的光转。施虐者想要我们，就像我们本来的样子，因为他们认为我们可以与他们分享我们的光芒，并因此“让”他们变得更好。当施虐者意识到没有人，尤其是他们的受害者，可以投射出如此明亮的光时，虐待就开始了他们自己的黑暗．相信我，施虐的人生活在一个非常黑暗的地方。
如果他对她好怎么办?她比我强吗?
你的虐待伴侣会从另一个人身上发现另一盏明亮的灯，像飞蛾扑火一样召唤着他们。在你离开后，施虐者不再相信言语上、情感上或身体上的打击会奏效。你的施虐者可能会想知道他们在你身上看到了什么，看到你的光芒如此急剧地消退。虐待你的人不会理解滥用的影响导致你的光明暗淡，他们当然不会在黑暗中等待，看你的光明是否重新点燃。
虐待你的人会找到另一个光芒四射的人。施虐者会用充满爱的行为、甜言蜜语赞叹他的新光;在新光看来，虐待你的人就像来自天堂的礼物。新光可能会很像你．
新光不比你强。当然，你现在可能会感到挫败，但你的光芒正在好转。你会变回你原来的样子。但施虐者的新光正走向黑暗。你可能不会看到它发生，因为，如果你记得，虐待是保密的。你不再被允许看到施虐者的内心世界，因为你已经被抛弃了。
但是你知道。
请记住，不管你的前施虐者对你有什么看法，施虐者的判断总是错误的。虐待试图杀死生命，而爱试图滋养生命。在没有虐待的情况下爱自己会滋养你。它会引导你获得新的见解。雷竞技是骗人的你意识到没有人比你更好或更差，我们都只是在努力发光。你治愈。你再次相信你的自我，任何因看到施虐者和一个新的受害者在一起而造成的痛苦都会在真相的光芒中消退。
APA的参考
Jo K.(2012年9月27日)。在你之后会被虐待的人，HealthyPlace。2021年6月11日，从//www.lharmeroult.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/09/the-one-abused-after-you获取
作者:凯莉·乔·霍利
哇，这篇文章真有趣。我和前任在一起一年多一点。我们一开始是异地恋，但他用婚姻的承诺说服我搬到他的城市。我搬去和他一起住，他的“虐待”行为就开始了。从来都不是肢体接触，而是言语上的。像“你需要减肥”(我当时125磅)、“少吃点”、“看起来不错”这样的话变得很常见。每次我反驳他时，他都会说他这么说是因为他爱我，在照顾我。我继续上当，从未怀疑过他的意图，甚至一秒钟。在此期间，他多次向我求婚。我总是说:“让我们至少等一年再采取行动。” He seemed to agree.
情感虐待还在继续——“你怎么这么敏感?”“你为什么总是挑事?”"你总是这么消极" "别发牢骚"我往往很情绪化，当事情似乎失去控制时就开始哭，而他却非常冷静和镇定。每次吵架/争吵结束时，我都觉得自己是罪魁祸首，感觉很糟糕。我不顾一切地想改变自己，让事情变得更好。当我发现他在约会资料上仍然很活跃(在一起一年之后)，我没有去面对他，而是决定责怪自己，试着更爱他。我想让他知道我可以改变，成为一个更好的伴侣。
当他和我分手后，他突然像鬼一样消失了——是的，消失了。拒绝接我的电话或回复我的信息。我觉得自己像个可怕的人，不惜一切代价要他回来。我强迫他最后一次见我，作为一种"了结"的方式我们见面了，他说“他工作很忙，没有时间谈恋爱了”。我彻底心碎了。我在这段感情中投入了那么多，他连眼都没眨就把我踢到了路边。在那次分手的时候，我接受了他的决定，开始为自己努力。一直以来，他都希望我能变成一个更好的人，他就会回来。分手后我们继续发短信几个月，然后我就不再回复他了。 Fast forward a few months later, I discovered that he had gotten engaged to someone else within 2 months of breaking up with me!!!!!!! This is while we were still texting each other, he was getting engaged. He refused to mention the presence of another woman in his life. I was devastated at the news of this "sudden" engagement. It was unclear whether he met her after we broke up or if there was overlap between us.
我决定做两件事:
(i)质问他事情的突然转变——他竟然厚颜无耻地给我打电话，但没有回答任何关于他什么时候认识这个新女人的问题，也没有回答他为什么没有透露他和别人有了关系。和他谈话让我意识到他并不认为自己的行为有什么问题(他对待我的方式或他没有让我知道他订婚了)。我不知道是否有可能施暴者没有意识到他们行为的影响。
(ii)通知他未来的妻子我们关系的时间和强度。她从来没有回应过我(我很清楚，他可能是为了掩盖他的“陷阱”，让我看起来像一个疯狂的不满的前任)。事实上，他妻子的一个朋友给我发信息，告诉我他们在一起很快乐，我应该让他们独处。
这一切都发生在几周前。我还在处理发生的事情——一个人怎么能从不停地向你求婚(当你们住在一起的时候)到和别人订婚(他们现在结婚了)。直到现在我才发现他虐待人的本性。一想到他的行为，我就畏缩。看到他们的结婚照后，我几乎有了一种解脱的感觉，因为那不是我。如果我要和他共度余生，那无异于无期徒刑。
我现在开始了我的康复之路。我不尊重这个男人，也不同情他的妻子。我只希望他能善待他的妻子，真心希望我是他最后一个受害者。
同样的情况也发生在我身上!然而我们在一起7年了。我花了所有的时间希望他能看到我的价值，并完全忠于我。他大约一年前离开了我，但仍然和我保持联系，每隔几个月就会在我的生活中出现一次。他会声称他想回家，最后把他的一切都给我，结果第二天就消失了，回到新女人身边。当然，当我去看他的instagram主页时，我发现他在不到一周后就向她求婚了。我不知道为什么有些男人能在这么短的时间内给另一个女人这么多年来我一直求他要的东西。这就像打在他脸上的一记耳光，他很享受
有人能给我一些见解吗雷竞技是骗人的
我的前任在精神上、情感上和身体上都虐待过我。最让人担心的是，我怀上了我们的孩子。虐待从一开始就开始了，随着我怀孕的进展，身体暴力和强行监禁在我的房子里。
我女儿三个月大时我逃了出来。
我离开后，虐待我的人又开始了另一段恋情。我天真地以为，如果我警告她他的虐待模式，我就可以让她免于最终的命运。
那个女人当然不相信我，甚至骂我。但一年半后，她给我发邮件说，“他反复打我，打我的肚子，现在我正在接受创伤后应激障碍的治疗。但我相信他能向上帝忏悔。”但在我回复之后(为了安全起见，我建议她“不联系”)，她最终把我的电子邮件转发给了我的前施暴者，并告诉我再也不要给她发邮件了?她还说她想和他和好?
我发现他们最近又复合了。我知道——当家庭暴力受害者回到施暴者身边时，虐待会变得更严重，所以我担心她的生命(他以前威胁过要杀了我)。另一方面，她不会帮我提供他的位置。我还不能申请抚养权或经济援助，因为虐待我的人是临时的。我让她告诉我他的位置，这样我就能保护我自己和我女儿。她拒绝了。
我的主要问题是:
1.在什么情况下，一个女人对虐待感到自满(她看到了他不断给我发的辱骂/可怕的威胁，并向我承认了她自己的虐待经历)，她不应该受到这种虐待。但她对他对她、我和我女儿的虐待有足够的了解和经验，她怎么能继续支持他呢?
2.我怎么能视而不见，知道什么是发生在她....不试着做点什么?除了我自己，我无法控制任何人——但知道这一切，我几乎无法入睡。
嗨爱。我很抱歉让你经历了这一切，这真的是一件很艰难的事情。我很高兴你自己不再处于一段被虐待的关系中，你能够找到自己的出路。我认为，虽然看到另一个人经历痛苦对你来说是毁灭性的，但重要的是要记住，不是每个人都能在他们有机会离开之前看到他们所经历的伤害，也许她还没有经历过那一刻。我为你感到骄傲，因为你试图帮助一个你非常了解的人。这可能会令人沮丧，但我学到的一个重要教训是，没有人能得到帮助，直到他们意识到他们想要帮助自己。我知道在这种情况下听从这个建议是很可怕的，我希望她知道，如果有一天她决定离开，她可以依靠你。这对于处于虐待关系中的人来说是很常见的，因为施暴者会进行很多操作，这使得处理起来非常困难。你向她敞开了心扉，我希望这能让你平静下来。爱与光明，卡特琳。
我经历了一段20年的不幸婚姻，“他”这个施虐者把我迷得神魂颠倒。当我告诉丈夫我们已经结束了，我想离婚时，他就把我赶出了婚房。在见施虐者的几个月前，我就提出了离婚。我直接和施虐者住在一起了。他刚刚和以前的伴侣分手。他说她虐待他。我相信他说的一切。他告诉我他没有外遇，如果我们要继续我们的关系，那么我应该结束我的婚姻。我做到了。在最初的几个星期/也许两个月里，我们生活在幸福的泡泡里。 I then started to see an angry side to him. How quick he could turn. Then His anger turned towards me. He didn’t trust me. He went on to abuse me mentally, physically and also financially. Insisting I pay for most things. My light dimmed. I couldn’t bear to look at myself in the mirror, during the last few weeks that we was together. My inner voice was screaming for it all to stop, and when I looked in the mirror, I knew I was lying to the person staring back at me. I discovered in the end he had contacted his ex previous to me and wanted to see her again. I left. I waked out one Day in November, as I knew if I didn’t walk I would of been pushed. I moved away from my children and friends 10 weeks ago. Me and the abuser still had contact throughout these weeks. He confessed that during our 6 months together he still loved her. He came to see me at my new town for one night. Told me he still wanted me but also her as well..I ended the mindF@ck就在两个多星期前，我告诉他不要再联系了，现在已经没有联系了。这个周末我就要回家了，回到我的老夫家，重新开始。我丈夫不住在那里了，我觉得我绕了一个完整的圈子。但我的光芒又开始变得明亮，我现在可以直视自己的眼睛了。
谢谢你分享你的故事!我知道施虐者是如何夺走我们的光的，要夺回我们的光是一个漫长的过程。我已经从一段长达3年的身体和精神虐待关系中走出来18个月了——真希望我在他第一次抓住我的脖子和下巴时就离开，因为虐待变得更严重了，他一直说他非常爱我，他会得到帮助的。在我们的关系结束时，他的“帮助约会”并不存在——一个女人通过FB消息联系我，说她已经和他约会了4个月，我已经是旧事了。与此同时，我刚刚和他出去，和他上床。那么糟糕。
和施虐者了结就是甩了他。另一个女人在浪费生命。我为他们感到难过，我曾经是她。只有没有批判性思维能力的人才会干这种脏活。看得很难过。我知道与他有关的每个人的未来。我知道他们都会被骗。我了解他的家人，大多数人都不了解他的真实情况。或者他们很方便地忽略了他们眼中的真相。
我的故事就像其他许多虐待关系一样开始。他真的很想了解我。第一次约会前，我们在电话里聊了好几个小时。当我们第一次接吻的时候，我就被迷住了。我们在一起一整个星期，他从来没有主动过做爱。我对自己说，每段感情都应该这样开始。他很早就打电话给他的母亲和朋友，告诉他们他已经找到了他的妻子。他非常忠诚，欺骗从来不是吸引我进一步关注的问题。我在信任方面有问题，因为我自己在前一段关系中犯了错。早期就出现了一些迹象。 He made me cry after saying some very hurtful things and he wasn't apologetic. It started to decline rapidly to include drunken belligerent texts followed by an apology the next day and to tell me how much he loved me. Almost two years later and we are no longer together. It took leaving 5 times to see I deserve better and it wasn't all my fault. It went from verbal abuse to physical abuse followed by the honeymoon phase. It's a repetitive and vicious cycle. I believed in this man and there were good times. The problem is he never believed in me. I pray for healing and strength to all those who are suffering from abuse.
哇，这是我现在生活的一个转折点。我30岁了。我丈夫32岁。他在身体上、情感上和言语上都受到了虐待。我们结婚已经一年半了，但在一起的时间还不到6年。我有两个继子，我差点把他们养大，我们还有一个孩子。婚礼一个月后我怀孕了，这是计划好的。我们还没有上法庭，但我已经提出离婚，开庭日期已经定了。他为了一个19岁的女孩离开了我，我们认识她，她是我们共同朋友的女儿的朋友。没有消息说他们已经这样做很长时间了，甚至在我们结婚之前，她还未成年。 I left the house with the baby and moved in with my parents. He left the house that was his before the marriage. He moved in with the 19 year old. Things are messy. His ex filed an order of protection. He hasn't seen any of his kids in nearly 45 days and hasn't asked really about any of them. I'm scared and I'm getting help from an abuse couselor. I just feel like I need a support system.
我和我男朋友在一起一年了，他在最初的几个月里向我展示了他是谁，但我忽略了它。我们没有住在一起，但他想让我一直在他家。如果我想回到45分钟车程外的家，他会指责我过着双重生活，而我的“另一个”男朋友肯定想让我回家。爱情轰炸的恶性循环，紧张气氛的积聚，然后愤怒的爆发，一次又一次地让我很困惑。他会一边给我起外号，一边抬高自己。所有这些故事都是相似的，尽管我两天前离开并回家，但我有很多焦虑。我在手机上屏蔽了他，但每隔几个小时我就会查看我的“屏蔽”短信，看看他是否留下了一条。我甚至解锁了他的号码几分钟，但这让我身体不适，所以我再次屏蔽了他。我的思绪飞快，我不停地提醒自己所有的坏事，我有多不开心，他对我有多糟糕，为什么我要让自己经历这些?我一整天都在看书，都没洗澡，也懒得换睡衣。 I have read about narcissism, abuse, finding strength after abuse etc and it helps for the moment but how am I to do this everyday? I’m not saying I can’t do it I am genuinely asking how? Pushing myself to exercise or binge watch tv isn’t helping, all I keep thinking is that he is with a “her”. I know she’s going to get everything I got, the sweet and loving gestures, all of it but it doesn’t help me. I feel like to a certain extent I am brainwashed so how do you un*uck yourself? His last rage, he punched my car window because I wouldn’t open the door, he tried ripping off the door handle, when I was able to drive away I went and hid on a side street just in case he followed me. When I felt it was safe I went to the gas station and there he was coming straight at me and tried blocking me between his car and the wall. I was able to get past him and into the street where he again tried blocking me up against the center median. When the light changed I drove, he then started trying to run me off the road before damaging his car and having to pull over. Believe it or not I went back after a few days, he was coming to my house, texting or calling my adult kids and I went back to stop the madness. Funny how that didn’t make me leave but him speaking to me foul the other day did. I know it was all a build up and I needed to be mentally ready and I am because the thought of unblocking him made my stomach sick, so how do I get out of my own way? Ya I guess I want over night results but knowing this time I am not going back, him completely ignoring me, it’s a mind f*ck. Of course all of this, everything is my fault, I wouldn’t get treated like this if I “wouldn’t push his buttons” or “run my mouth”, if I cry I am whining. Just writing this is making me sick that I even got myself into this situation at 48 yrs old. Any help/advice would be welcomed. To all of you out there that have succeeded at moving on I applaud your strength and keep writing because there are a lot of us that need you.
和我一起虐待我两年的丈夫，给我和孩子们买了外卖，决定再也不回来了。然后他发了一条短信说他想尝试一些新的东西。这一切让我不知所措，因为我被打了个措手不及。他怎么敢就这么走了?虽然我知道这对我和孩子们都是最好的，但知道他可能还有别人，我还是很受伤。我很沮丧，他认为这是在取笑我。我已经经历了地狱，为什么我要他要我。我今天会为自己和孩子安排心理咨询，我们已经被吓坏了一段时间了。同时，我想说，我知道没有他我过得更好，但我希望他想留下来。
我只有19岁，我的前任和我同龄，对我的情感虐待已经近3年了。他在控制我，以为我在和其他人说话，而我是忠诚的。我们一开始很好，当他邀请我做他的女朋友时，他就开始做一些小事来控制我，比如他想让我离开社交媒体，想让我给他看看我在大学里穿的衣服等等，一开始我认为这很正常，我认为他关心我，爱我，这就是他想要我的原因。他把我和朋友们隔离开来，总是说他们的坏话，就因为他们曾经叫我和他们一起出去。长话短说，他一直对我说脏话，对我没有任何尊重，但却声称爱我，关心我，如果我说什么伤人的话，他就会哭!我失眠，经常偏离任务，想着我是如何让年轻的自己经历这些的，现在我离开了他，我感到孤独和沮丧，我不知道为什么!我们有一个亲密的关系，但我不快乐!糟糕的日子比上帝还多。我怎样才能忘记他，重新找回我的幸福?
嗨贝基我可以告诉你你的愈合方式从这样的严重性abbuse。你认为你不离开第四.im告诉你在打击我的精神伙伴。他称厚厚的愚蠢。他想让你嗨傻看我把你.zero情感这就是他们无法感觉.honestly 10年四世在他2美丽的婴儿当他对我说爱你我当面嘲笑他称他是可怜的人,你不能医治他们当他踢我的儿子我13岁。我知道他不只是叫的名字,实际上是在同一屋檐下的精神病欺负。但是你知道当你开始将你使你的计划今晚.Go现在不认为这么做对不对,我对他说我向你保证你永远不会再伤害我?今天下午他说你有什么选择.stand不断让我打击你,直到你流血,我不认为我的儿子能看到危险我们永不再我要见他,现在因为我有备份一个电话him from a man telling him to fuck off keep away .if he wants to keep his life .dont be stupid leave .calling me a milf this morning stemed my anger .i made him understand what he was doing to me .their ill damaged impaired distorted .my new guy has some one watching the house now .because he now knows I don't want him so the danger escalate.as he has nothing else to loose .do you honestly believe that their human .clearly not .i said to myself I had to put a stop to this .so now who's laughing .hes going to get what's coming to him .hell be so scared .good he needs to be feeling scared
我才是在第一任妻子死后被虐待的人。他2010年中风，2011年离婚。在他的敦促下，我们于2016年结婚。婚礼后不到10天，虐待就开始了。16个月后我离开了他。我之前离开过很多次，有一次是4周，我相信了他改变的承诺。他会骂我，骂我，威胁我，叫我滚出他的房子，等等，然后第二天早上他很惊讶，我生气了，或者表现得像，并声称这一切都没有发生过。我记录了婚姻期间的一件事，以及分居后的几通电话。我已经提出离婚。在我的状态下，情感和言语虐待是离婚的理由，也是欺诈性诱导结婚的理由。 With the recordings I have, we (attorney and I) are planning to amend our petition to include causes of action for fraud in the inducement and damages . I cannot wait to play the recording of his cussing me out to our female judge and jury. Ladies, ask your lawyer about separate causes of action for damages from fraud -- especially if they have abused before and conned you with their innocence. I have a great paper trail of evidence showing how he took of advantage of me financially and then threatened me if I didn't write him an "f-ing" check on the recording.
三周前，我儿子的父亲离开了我，和别人在一起了。我和他在一起两年了，我们的关系很糟糕。他会打我，把一切都怪在我头上。他因为愤怒而责怪我，还在情感上虐待我。我儿子出生后，我们的压力水平一直很高，所以我明白为什么他总是紧张不安，但我一直告诉自己，我不应该被一个男人打。自从离婚后，他就没有和我以及我9个月大的儿子联系过，这让我怀疑我是否真的是他如此痛苦的原因。在某种程度上，看到他继续前进让我很伤心，但我想他永远不会改变。当我想起我们的关系时，变化只是暂时的，因为我离开了他无数次。爱你的人是不会想伤害你的。他们会确保你的安全，我知道这一点，但我现在有一种空虚的感觉。 While I am a single mother who does anything for her child hes in the arms of another woman as if I meant absolutely nothing to him. What truly kills me is that he could care less about his son and how this will affect him in the long run.
我的丈夫昨天正式离开了我，这是他第二次和第一次离开的那个女人在一起。我们在一起已经8年了。他直到去年才对我进行身体上的虐待，尽管之前有过情感和言语上的虐待。我发现他很自恋，而我依赖他。他想搬到另一个州去，而我愚蠢地这么做了，以为我们的生活会更好。他们这样做了一段时间。我找到了一份好工作，我们的经济状况也很好。他就是从那时开始出轨的。我们之间的这种关系断断续续地持续了一年。她本身就是一个非常病态和刻薄的女孩。 We do share a child and his dad is his best friend. I lost my job due to him making me late to often with all the chaos and drama. He took all our money literally which was from a title loan and ran off with her and didnt say a word. The only words I got yesterday were "the money is gone leave me alone." He does abuse her and has from the start. They both munipulate the situation and i am the one that gets dragged through there fights because thats when he comes home. As wrong as this is and believe me when i say I know it is, I feel devestated, alone and in somewhat of a panic. The worst part is I still love his despite it all because there is something psychologically wrong with me to justify this and want him home. I know that i am better off with out him in all ways and i dont feel that I am afraid to be alone because the majority of the time he isn't around any way. But I do find my self wondering what makes her better or why i am not good enough? And all the rest of the feelings and patterns of the abuse, narcissism and co-dependancy. I know very well that i am going through the process of all the feelings and the desperate feeling of needing him home and he is out enjoying life with out a worry having a great time like we do not exist. He isn't allowed to take my son with her because their relationship is more toxic then our and she is a time bomb her self. Once the desperate and loniless subsides I start self care and healing and thats when is waltz through the door or as soon as their next argument. All the work and emotions and everything else i did just to be somewhat ok, as in able to get out of bed and face the world again goes right out the window. I am the moth to his flame and become powerless over my own self. I fear the day he knocks on that door because I know my self enough to know that I melt and completely fall apart. He either gradually wheins his way back or just all at once convincing me that he loves me knowing that I truly do love him unconditionally. Despite being intelligent enough to know the signs and patterns here I am back to the begining of the hell i have allowed my self to live through for the last year wondering why and all the rest. I even convince my self that this is really it this time he doesnt want me and left me for good and feel devastated even knowing the pattern. I lay here wondering how i can be so smart yet so stupid at once? In addition to having no self-worth at all and that comes way before him.....
瑞秋,
我开始没有联系!!我经历过各种各样的虐待，这次是这样了!我换了电话号码，屏蔽了所有邮件，现在专注于不联系。是的，我的一部分让我觉得我想要他回来，但我知道他比我现在的感觉更伤我。而且，我知道这只是暂时的。我拨打了我所在城市的当地热线，并将开始为自己和被他恐吓的孩子们提供咨询。祝你一切顺利!
安娜，我也有类似的问题，但我决定打掉我怀的孩子，太害怕对他的承诺了。这对我来说太难了，但在怀孕期间受到虐待迫使我走到这一步。我现在孤身一人，我本该被留下的。我很抱歉让你和你的孩子经历这些。你说的那种空虚感，我真的感受到了。天啊，这让我晚上睡不着。我经常提醒自己，我不配这样，你也不配。
我和一个虐待狂男友在一起五年了。我和他分手了，我们分开了7个月。在这段时间里，他只谈了3/4个月的恋爱;他和她在一起是在我出院后因为我试图自杀，就在他假装关心之后我试过了。我现在和他在一起了。他告诉我他从未动过她，我相信。我能看出来他是不是在撒谎。那天晚上他推了我。第二天又推了我一把。都是因为我在揭伤口。 Wounds from him in the past and wounds from the relationship he was in. She had two kids and he never touched them either. He went around playing baby daddy. I’m trying to let these wounds heal. To let go of the past that I cannot control as to not ruin my present and future that I can control. But every time I tell myself to let go, there’s nothing I can do, I still think about: why me and not her? I’ve read that it could be because she was stronger and he thought she wouldn’t put up with it. So does he see me as weak? I just don’t know why it’s me and not her. I thought it was me and not her because I thought he stopped the abuse completely, but I can see that’s not true. I know that I am doing better for myself than her. She’s an alcoholic at 18 and has two kids whom share a tiny bed and live in a trailer with 6 other people. So why am I getting hung up that she’s stronger? I’ve made it out of everything that’s hurt me so far and I’m doing really well at college and in my job. So why me and not her? Does he think she’s stronger, even if he says he hates her and never wants to see her again? Does he resent me for not being strong and that’s why I’m blamed? I’m sorry if these turned into rambling or didn’t make much sense. I’m just very confused right now
所以我去年离开了我的前任，在一段令人难以置信的有毒关系中度过了四年。她给这段关系带来的只有债务和情感包袱。第一次见到她的时候，我34岁，无忧无虑。警告信号很早就出现了，我应该听从自己的直觉。甚至在我见到她之前，如果我不给她发早上好短信，她就会生气。总之快进。我们现在有一个四岁的儿子，我很喜欢他。他是我的整个世界，每个人都说我是个好爸爸，我也这么认为。简而言之，我的前女友我叫她朱蒂丝，她不让我继续我的生活。如果我试图摆脱她，她就利用我儿子来报复我，威胁说不再还她欠我的钱，现在她已经完全不还了。 She hacks into my personal email account and social media profiles, which she deems acceptable. On the surface she puts on this front of being a hardworking mum of two, who's struggling against the odds, when in reality all she does is take take take. She's taken nearly 12Thousand pounds off me even though she's been earning nearly 15 thousand pounds more than me for the last few years. Her ex partner left her with a mountain of debt and even though I helped her clear most of it she's happy to leave me in debt for thousands of pounds, while she walks away Scot free. I think her problems stemmed from the fact she was emotionally abused by her parents when she was younger, and she now cant form an opinion of her own or do anything without the approval of her parents even though she's 41. She has two children to two different men and has been largely criticized and judged by her family, which only adds to her emotional baggage. All her siblings and cousins are happily married, with good jobs and homes they own, whereas Judith struggles with money and scours internet dating sites like tinder and plenty of fish, trying to find her next 'saviour'. Her first borns father is actually gay now (I promise I'm not making this up lol). He was forced out of the relationship and actually walked away from dating women forever, largely down to her behaviour which is incredibly embarrassing for her. Knowing people are sniggering at her behind her back must only add to her torment. I walked away from the relationship last September when she assaulted me in front of our young son. She's always played on being the victim so to see her act this way was truly shocking. However her default setting is to lie about what happened and twist it so she looks like the victim, due to the fact she doesn't want people to know what she's really like. In recent weeks she's driven me to breaking point, but with the support of my family and friends I'm getting myself back on track. She puts on the front she's been there for me, but even when I was in my hospital bed she was provoking me and trying to cause rows. Seeing how popular I am and how many friends I have brings her so much jealousy and only highlights how miserable she is inside. However, I'm having no contact with her whatsoever, which has felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulder. Her greatest fear is that I'll move on from her and find happiness, which is exactly what I'll do, I know I will. Her boys will grow up and lead their own lives and I'll have a relationship with my son without needing to see her anymore, and she'll grow old and lonely and bitter and angry at the world all on her own, and it'll be spectacular!! I'm a big believer in karma, and the fact she's so angry with the world and blaming everyone else for the way her life's turned out is so amusing. She's manipulative, controlling and bitter and with such ugly qualities I can only see a dark and unhappy future ahead of her. No doubt I'll get the blame for her misery lol. Things are looking very optimistic for me on several different levels. The futures bright and I'm feeling happier than I ever have been.
所以我几个月前离开了我的前任，只和他在一起一年。那一年我们经历了很多，我流产了，我以为我真的爱他，他看起来那么完美。我喜欢被爱的感觉，想要他给我的那种感觉……但他的真面目开始显现，他不停地不尊重我，指责我的事情，翻我的手机，但我是100%的开放、诚实和忠诚，从来没有机会翻他的手机……我总是被告知我是多么美丽，我是一个好女人，即使在我痛苦的时候，我仍然忠于他…我永远不明白他为什么那样对我。或者这是我的错我离开他不久，就发现他已经在和另一个女孩约会了。现在我知道外表并不代表一切，但当我看到她时，我笑了……他怎么能用一个长得像我、从一开始就对他忠诚、诚实的女人来换取那个……为什么他不追求我，不改变我，不试着让它运转起来……然后我意识到我做了正确的选择……我对新来的女孩没有意见，因为她不是问题所在。他是。我确实试图黑他的社交媒体账户，尽管我很高兴失败了…我想我只是需要某种形式的结束…现在让人困惑的是，我遇到了一个真正与我有联系的人，但因为我经历了所有的事情，我正在努力完全让他们进入我的生活……我怀疑我在这里用了正确的词，很可能没有正确地解释，但是是的。
哦，女孩，我当然能感同身受!不幸的是!我丈夫对他的手机也很保密。我和他在一起快十年了，也从来没有背叛过他，当我离开的时候，我发现他还有其他几个女孩。当我第一次见到他的新女友时，我也笑了——上帝原谅我——但我想，“你怎么能离开JLo去CardiB?”(我是詹妮弗·洛佩兹的超级粉丝!)然而，我和他无礼的新女友有很多问题。然而，我的丈夫确实试图让它工作，但我已经意识到，我不了解那个男人，选择爱自己，所以虐待变得更加公然的威胁。我们女孩总是需要一个了结，但有时我们得不到，这很艰难。我能说的最好的事情是-远离蛇的最好方法是超越-成为你最好的版本，爱你自己，当然把上帝放在第一位。 I'm in the same situation with my new boyfriend - struggling to fully let him in. He is such an angel though and is so patient and caring with me. My biggest concern now is that his love and patience doesn't have an expiration date since I can't determine when I will be healed, if ever. I know that random things my trigger certain emotions even later on and I hope he can be patient with me.
我也有同样的处境。我对你的故事产生共鸣。他已经对我做了两次严重下降的成绩。当他们攻击你的外表、你的个性，告诉我我的子宫可能已经坏了，不适合生孩子，我要找一个年轻的女人，我很难不感到挫败。我还不老。我想警告她，但他的恶言恶语让我知道她上钩了。他告诉我她是个胖子，然后告诉她，他这么说只是为了让我平静下来，因为我显然认为她是个威胁。一个女人怎么能允许一个男人为了拯救另一个女人的感情而贬低她，却仍然对他有好感，这是我无法理解的。我们必须记住，我们并没有失去他们。我们摆脱了他们。 He started a relationship with her publicly before ending anything with me and was still asking why i couldnt love him a week after getting in a relationship. Only came on fb to make it public with her which is exactly what he did a year ago with another woman. Now he just looks crazy. Ran in to him in person and begged me to talk even though every text is "i dont want to talk to you ever again" He is her problem now. It will hurt from day to day but eventually he will tell her what he told me "im sorry,i tried to hide it as long as i could". And i will feel no sympathy for her.
除此之外…自杀威胁。我感到很孤独，他利用了我的恐惧，因为我的表妹自杀了。和其他前任谈过，尽管他告诉我是我开车送他去的。结果是他和我们一起干的。甚至在2个月后。只是严重的精神问题。
让我开始说我想我找到我最好的朋友我丈夫一个男人我的孩子也可以查找我们一起度过每一天醒来,睡觉一起去教堂祈祷收集到一个人,开始改变快9个月一起告诉他我的孩子父亲小姐对我他打在我胸口窒息我不能呼吸想罗女士带我工作和开车直接通过我们在湖大一个没有任何一个在他身边接我我砰地摔在玻璃桌子把我带到他最好的朋友家，这样她就可以和我打架了，告诉他带我去的地方就是废弃的房子，他锁上门，爬到上面，开始打我的脸，直到我跳出来跑他跳了。然后开始扯我的头发。,把我的脸弄脏一开始我没有看到这个,有趣的是导致他的BMI试图警告我了我还以为是她是嫉妒我还与他做爱,但是他打破了她的肋骨和鼻子像这个男人是魔鬼他的母亲告诉我,我不能帮助你,你没有我生病,像他这样的人不改变,但是神的恩典我跑,跑在他攻击我的fb偷了我的手机我丢了工作的他,但我没有回头
很高兴你摆脱了他。一个声称立刻爱上你并想娶你的男人。在后来的关系中，表现出所有的虐待迹象和周期，让你觉得自己是一个没有人会嫁给你的人，仍然告诉你，甚至你的母亲，他仍然爱你，想娶你，因为他可以治愈你，即使你已经学会了害怕他，他是一个奥利想让你成为他的受害者，因为他是一个虐待者和殴打者，这是一种刑事犯罪。他甚至想让我趴在阳台栏杆上从后面跟我做爱。他无缘无故地贬低我，侮辱我，这是突如其来的。他威胁要伤害或杀死我的狗。
现在，如果一个男人一开始表现得太强硬，或者贬低我，或者做出不真实的指责，试图欺骗或伤害我，我不会反驳，不会回头。
阅读大部分评论部分。金格两年前对她的关系的评论对我来说很有趣，因为事实是这些类型的男人并不像他们听起来那么特别，因为他们总是贬低和口头攻击他们的伴侣。我也没有嫁给虐待我的人。他来和我和我妈妈住在一起。他威胁说要伤害我的狗，还不断地训斥我，把我放倒，在我妈妈面前表现得很不一样。她完全被他迷住了。我当时在读研究生，他一直告诉我，我不适合这个职业。他还批评我目前作为一名教师的能力，而他对此一无所知。他会叫醒我，或者不让我睡觉，因为他想要秒，或者他会拒绝做爱，好像他在试图避开我。如果我不给他钱还是更好? break off with him; which I did many times, he'd come on gradually with showing affection and once again asking me to marry him even after he had called the police on me trying to get back at him for breaking up with him as well as making false claims against me. I finally kicked him out and made sure he had a place to stay as my mother helped out financially to get him back on his feet since he came to live with us because he had been laid off from his job because the business folded. However, get this, he blamed me for losing his job because I called his workplace just because he had texted me he and other employees were told in a meeting that they all were being laid off. He has a defibrillator in his heart, and I was worried he'd have a stroke! That's why I called him at work because he didn't respond back after I asked him to tell me ifhe was aalright! He actually did get a job that week. He was offered two jobs; one from his former boss. He lied all the time. He manipulatated me in every capacity to find a way to entrap me into a more committed relationship with him so he could do further harm to me. Whatever it takes to get you hooked; marriage or live in relationship, they'll do it before you really see the darkest side of them. This guy is very well educated and extremely organized person and smart. He has a business degree in finance and has been in management jobs for years. He even ran for President one time, but didn't make in to the final primaries. He also had been in Special Forces in the army. He became an Ordained minister which he had received his doctorate in divinity. All these things are true about him. I did a pretty through check on his background. However, he's had numerous duis and several arrests for domestic violence. Now you tell me something? You think that this man would have changed by now knowing he has been counseled, an official Secretary for AA meetings; an Ordained minister which specialized in marriage and family counseling learn Not to be an abuser and who should have resolved his substance abuse issues along with his past of being abused by his father and abandoned by his mother once when he was 3 years old because she was abandoned by his birth father and had to split her 5 children up to live with her relatives temporarily until she was able to get them back and a home where they all could be together again?
我妈妈给了他钱，并照顾他的开销，他说他会还她的。我给了他钱，即使我不能在经济上完全支持或帮助他，因为我可怜的母亲被卷入了这一切，这只会让我更加羞愧和内疚。当他说他终于找到工作时，他答应打电话给我妈妈，并会把钱还给她。他没有，我恳求并警告她不要再给他打电话了。让他打电话给她，但同时也警告她他不会这么做。现在。。她受伤了，觉得被利用了，对他很失望。是的……图。我敢肯定他很快就盯上了另一个受害者然后发现他去了另一个州找他想要的工作。 Good. I did what my friends and family told me to do which was to go to the sheriff's department to report his abusive treatment and prevent him from further abuse by following up with a possible restraint order on him. The last thing he said to my mom was he loved me and wanted to marry me because he could cure me snd straighten more out. He did everything he could to destroy me as a person and make me out to be what he was and convince my mom that I had lost my mind and that he of all people could heal me.
他们会让你觉得自己是最重要、最了不起的人，以此来吸引你。他也说他从一开始就爱我，想马上和我结婚。他让自己听起来像，甚至有我们共同的东西，让我们看起来像一对很般配的情侣，这都是真的。问题是他是个罪犯。甚至不止一次施暴和殴打的罪犯。他是个病态的人，但他非常清楚什么是道德上的对与错。他最清楚他的虐待方式，但拒绝考虑他的虐待或其他任何他负责的事情。他可以表现出在没有女人可以击败的情况下应对或处理生活压力所需要的性格和力量。
诱惑期和蜜月期是恋爱关系中最危险的阶段。这是欺骗和操纵的最高境界。操纵是一种虐待，但在早期我们认为这是“被迷住了”。这个快速移动的魅力者想让我们在看到他/她真正是谁之前尽快与他/她建立联系。这就是为什么幸存者很难逃生。他们记得那个阶段，他们记得甜蜜的周期，他们记得最多持续几个月的改变的承诺。一个想要改变的施虐者需要治疗和很长一段时间来疗伤。施虐者享受虐待，这对他们来说是一种回报。心理变态和自恋的施虐者得到的回报是他们造成的伤害。
我们留下是因为我们想要相信最初的陈述，而失去的岁月和更多的虐待。我们把我们的同理心投射到一个不具备这种能力的人身上。
怜悯戏，缺乏同理心。缺乏同理心是施虐者的首要特征。缺乏悔恨，缺乏内疚。如果你要求别人停止以任何方式伤害你，而他们却继续伤害你，那么你很有可能患有病态。你不能改变它，但你可以让它赋予你改变的力量。不要再把你们的光给黑暗，没有良心。
我的小更新…
大约一个半月前，我们进行了一次大讨论。我知道现在说还为时过早，但我的伴侣看到了我在这段关系中受到了多大的伤害，我看到了他和我自己的巨大变化。我们都试图为对方做更多的事情，这意味着有更多的妥协。我开始更多地外出，做自己的事情，我们开始重建关系，这一次是建立在相互尊重的基础上。我希望事情能继续这样发展下去，我对未来充满希望。我现在明白了，我可能做了一些事情，让这种情况持续下去。不是找借口，只是意识到我自己也有很多缺点。既然我选择留下来，我就会100%地付出，只要我的伴侣也这么做，我所能做的就是希望:-)
我知道我的X，那个迷人的人，会在我离开后马上找到一个人，继续前进，忘记我，这已经足够可怕了，我仍然认为我需要他。我也以为他可以向前看但他绝不会爱上我这样的人。我是他的灵魂伴侣，我们属于彼此。我还是觉得我是他最适合的女人。但如果(?!)他找到了另一个人，她让他快乐，他没有虐待她呢?如果这一切都是我的错，我一直在欺骗自己。毕竟，他每天都说我毫无价值，是个累赘。
当他这么快就开始新生活，然后和她一样快地结婚时，我心碎了(因为他也曾向我求婚，但从未兑现)，我对她的那种人感到震惊……(是的，我知道，我现在在给自己贴标签)瘾君子，酒鬼，瘾君子，臭虫，戴假牙的拖车垃圾荡妇。(那是我当时混乱的思维方式)
我确实通过共同的熟人发现他也在虐待她，但她做了一些我从未做过的事情....她把他那讨厌的虐待狂关进了监狱!我意识到，尽管她没有过我所选择的生活，但她拥有我所没有的东西，那就是坚定立场和反击的力量。她确保他不会再虐待她，正因为如此，我非常感激她!
我害怕20年后再回头看，会说同样的话。但我不知道是什么阻止了我?情况已经有所好转。但这确实发生了;我们又回到了蜜月期，然后，就在我感到舒服的时候，“美钞”出现了。但我又陷进去了……也许这次情况有所不同。也许这次他爱我爱到对我好。一直以来我都在生自己的气。
我现在有一段20年的婚姻，和你描述的婚姻非常相似。最大的不同是我是丈夫。感谢你贴出这篇文章。希望其他人能接受这个警告，不要像你我一样待这么久。这很难面对。如果我再努力一点…也许她不会那么生我的气。也许她会爱我。
这就是我过去20年的感受。
甚至不用费心去警告下一个受害者，不管你觉得在道德上有多大的义务这样做，他们永远不会听(当你如此盲目地爱着那个迷人的人时，你会听吗?)他们很快就会发现，你的警告只会让他们更久地否认，以证明你错了。他们会联合起来反对你，阻碍你的愈合，甚至使他们更加亲密，这将使未来的虐待更容易，对受害者来说更具毁灭性。你吸取了教训，现在继续前进，让别人吸取教训。我犯了那个错误，但我再也不会犯了。
我试着警告她，她完全按照你说的做了——她和他更亲密了，我是敌人，他们联合起来反对我——实际上整个家庭都阻碍了愈合的过程。他警告我，离开他会让他和她更亲密。他知道他在做什么!我想，如果我必须和另一个女人竞争，那么他真的不爱我，也不重视我。她肯定是被利用了，因为他愿意离开她来抚养我，当我不原谅他，因为我开始爱自己时，他开始威胁我，他们的关系变得更加紧密。这太疯狂了!我现在最大的挑战是尽量减少我女儿在这段新关系中受到的虐待。我很高兴离开，带着我的女儿离开这个环境却发现她和另一个女人在一起。smh。
谢谢你！在情感虐待让你觉得自己不可爱之后，很难重拾自信。你的文章强调了，即使他们看起来很高兴(你不是吗，当你经历这些的时候，因为你不想让每个人都知道你是多么的失败?)，这并不意味着你真的有什么问题。那只是虐待，仍然试图用谎言控制你。
还有人告诉你，你不是真的被虐待，你只是疯了。他们还在继续虐待;不要听他们的，尤其是如果他们只是按照施虐者说的去做。没有人会理解，除非他们亲身经历。