在开始的时候
“当门打开时，童年总是有一个时刻，让让未来。”
格雷厄姆·格林。
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一开始……
夏天在这里，在学校是一个遥远的记忆和无尽的日子，阳光和沙子的无尽日子：9月和返回书籍和规则，在地平线上的某个含糊不适。10岁，我是夏天的孩子中最古老的孩子;几个家庭的孩子们会重叠。夏天的朋友。我们花了那些儿童所做的那些事情。探索海滩和树林，建筑堡垒和树木房屋和游泳：总是游泳。在大湖的冷水中游泳，直到寒冷变得太多，我们会恢复海滩挖洞进入热沙。从阳光下方从上面升温的沙子，很快就会从我们的身体上驾驶寒冷。你可以感受到水从你的身体蒸发，颤抖。有时你会觉得沙子的刺痛在风中踢了。 Always wind and always the sound of wind, the waves rolling on shore, the leaves in the birches and the ash trees playing harmony: The cries of the gulls as they slid on the currents of air, a counterpoint. Running back into the water our yells joined those of the gulls. Perfect memories.
下午晚些时候，我们会爬上从海滩到房子的台阶。沿着海岸的这段时间，风把沙子堆积成沙丘，这些沙丘逐渐生长起来。雪松、松树和白蜡树的根把河岸固定住了。沿岸的几所房子都建在屋顶上。上面是树林和田野的另一个世界，还有明信片上的湖景。换掉泳衣，换上衣服，我们会感到布料与皮肤摩擦的美妙感觉，那种感觉就像在风沙上奔跑一天，在水里玩耍一天之后的感觉。一种温暖舒适、安全和满足的感觉。
它开始在一个这样的一天。晚餐后，我仍然感到安全感舒适的衣服。我坐在壁炉上，在火灾面前，烤棉花糖。成年人在我身后谈论成年人谈到的是我看着棉花糖谈到的是金褐色，并尽我所能让他们追捕着火灾，同时考虑几乎太甜味。生活很好，我很开心，世界充满了可能性，然后，在一个简短的时刻，世界改变，我身后的一个成年人对我发了评论。他们说，“你看起来像撒旦坐在那里。”这是一个无辜的评论和搞笑当时，棉花糖叉确实像一个小的干草叉。当我坐在那里看着敬酒棉花糖和火我开始思考撒旦和地狱和永恒的火。那一刻，在我生命中的第一次，我感受到了痴迷开始的冷冻感。我不知道它是什么，而是因为我坐在那里冥想永恒，一个永恒的地狱，我觉得恐惧，生活的恐惧，这是成为我不变的伴侣。 It started small, Hell is a frightening thing to think of, and I thought about all those things the nun's had taught me about hell. And then I started thinking about eternity. Eternity, on and on with no end, forever, that thought was even more frightening. No end? I couldn't get a handle on that, I couldn't understand it and it terrified me. Then I started thinking about heaven and eternity and I felt the same fear. The fear grew as I thought, "What if I went to hell and my mother didn't?" Or if someone I loved went to hell and I went to heaven? Within minutes my safe secure world was gone and I was trapped in this nightmare that I couldn't find my way out of. The thoughts just kept going around and around. I didn't sleep that night, I couldn't. The next day was another beautiful summer day, just like the day before, and I did all the things we did on those summer days, but the thoughts were there. I could push them back while playing but if I stopped for even a moment, I could feel the cold of the fear. That night, as I lay in bed, the nightmare was alive and growing. I could not stop the thoughts and that frightened me. That became the pattern of my life; I would be Ok during the day but was always in this shadow, at night as I lay in bed the terror took over. Soon I began to fear going to bed. Eventually I was able to find some relief, momentary and fleeting, in going to church and to confession. Though now I feared heaven as much as hell. If I had no choice about eternity, I thought, then better heaven then hell. Night after night I prayed the rosary. If I didn't pray I would not get to sleep. I had to be good enough to get to heaven. I tried, for endless hours to think my way out, to use logic but those concepts were too big, too imperfectly understood by my 10-year-old mind for that to work but I found comfort in trying. Trying to think my way clear became part of the ritual. Prayer and thinking, night after night and filled with a fear that even then I knew was not normal. That something was wrong, that something was wrong with me. I couldn't bring myself to talk with anyone and suffered this alone and in silence. If only I could think the right thoughts I would be Ok. After a full year of this it stopped as suddenly as it had started.
这是我在稍后学习的几十年中的第一个明确的经历是OCD。在未来几年里，它会恢复几次，有时它是一样的，有时它是其他想法，但总是用这种寒冷的致命焦虑。今天那些反感，主要是迷惑，类型问题仍然出现。我现在住的OCD是大多数经典污染/洗涤类型，这总是和我在一起。我的OCD是严重的，虽然我继续尝试并确实有希望，但迄今为止，迄今为止尚未成功降低我的症状。但是，这些奇怪的想法我无法摆脱的奇怪的想法，这是一个有些帮助。并且知道我并不孤单，这种疾病是一个精彩的舒适源。
我不是医生，治疗师或专业治疗强迫症。除非另有说明，否则本网站仅反映了我的经验和我的意见。我对我可能指出的链接内容或在HealthalPlace.com中的任何内容或广告中的内容上不负责任。
在做出任何关于治疗选择或改变治疗方法的决定之前，一定要咨询训练有素的心理健康专业人士。在没有咨询你的医生、临床医生或治疗师之前，不要停止治疗或药物治疗。
疑问和其他疾病的内容
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APA参考
Tracy, N.(2009, 1月9日).《开始》，HealthyPlace。2021年2月10日从//www.lharmeroult.com/ocd-related-disorders/articles/my-first-ocd-experience取回
